A Good Manager, How I see It

This is a follow up to a recent status update of mine on Facebook about managers.

https://www.facebook.com/sanketm/posts/4588907397899

So who are these god awful creations ? And why is the general consensus about them as positive as about the growth of Sehwag's hair.

Although there do exist a few managers who are good , who are generally helpful , who sell their kindey and give the money to you so that you can throw it into the drain and talk about it later, most of them are bad. I mean really really bad. I mean ,shout into the ear of 2 days old babies and laugh sinister laughs after that, bad.

Add to that the general perception about managers doesn't help their cause much. I mean

1-They are these people picked out of these A-League B-schools which you can't get into (because negotiations about your barter deal for your liver and a seat fell apart because your liver could not be considered as one whole organ. Damn those extra shots of tequilla.)

2-These are people put in to "manage" your very existence with Excel sheets. I mean you can't even put an extra fart a day without risking an escallation.

3-These people were once rumoured to have hearts and brains. Which they eventually threw away because it wasn't close enough to the hind parts of their bodies and hence incapable of spewing shit all over the place. Also they got quite a deal from the Blackberry makers for this act of theirs.

However the point of writing this post is not to go on and on about how managers are,however fun that might be. It is indeed a true story about how the middle finger on a human hand developed itself only  after the advents of managers. However I digress. So , this  is more to make the new generation of soon to be suited managers aware of how to live up to the impossible expectations of the employee and be a "GOOD" manager.

I have got five tips , which I am sure would reap great benefits for people who want to stop resembling assholes for a living.

1) Believe the employee: 9 times out of 10 , the excuse/reason you hear out of your employee's mouth is a white lie. A real white and shining one. However there is always the chance that this is the one time he is speaking the truth. So don't question his excuses. Stand by them. Whatever they say, be it " I just had an accident and it is taking time for the brain transplant" or " I just saw a unicorn and am trying to chase it , to find if it really will lead me up to the start of a rainbow" believe them. Because these lame excuses are what makes your employees , your employees. Or else they would be in some rich ass company making fat cheques for pouring chocolate over their doughnuts and making patents about square slightly rounded icons.

2) Cater to their ego: No human being hates adulation. And no one loves a manager who doesn't send out appreciation mails. So appreciate. It doesn't matter what the appreciation is about . There is no such thing as deserving appreciation. Everytime you thank an employee , he deserves it. Because here is a guy who has had formal education for twenty odd years and yet you are there to show him right and wrong just because you had two extra years of sleepless nights at your b-schools. Come on. That is lame. So next time you get a mail : "I have completed the hatching of eggs as discussed. I sat on them long and nice for the two hours that we discussed. Also to make sure they hatched perfectly i sat an extra hour" ,send out an appreciation mail. Because they deserve it.

3) Dont have favourites: Every manager commits the sin of picking someone as their favourite employee because of some personal qualities of the said employee. Let me break the myth. It never works. I mean , yes , this said employee might be housing homeless kids and helping blind men cross the road everyday, but do not let that cloud your judgements. Every employee was hand picked by a recruitment team , which most probably signed your offer letter as well. So dont go making one favourite, for which every person other than the said employee would keep judging you and label you as partial ( Which you mostly are most of the times. ). So even if you have to compare a mass murderer whose crimes have not been proven and an angel whose wings are in your eyes, don't pick anyone. Instead go to facebook and write about it.

4) Try to feel what they do :  Every manager has to accept a simple fact. They are paid much more for doing much less "WORK" as per the traditional definitions of "WORK". Don't try to make the employee feel that you have a tough job because you have a thousand mails and people to answer to. They won't understand. They have not been yet been brainwashed by b-schools about how really important managers are. So save the speech. Instead try to learn what they do. Nobody is asking you to sit with them for three thousand hours a day . But a small gesture of helping them out with an issue or taking up a small task of their goes a long way. Even small talk about their family and giving them halfs off works. Remember, most of these people are just starting on a journey to hate the managment. Don't give them more reason by calling them up at midnight and expecting them to do everything you say. And don't call them names in whatever language. You know like "sanki(in Hindi)" or "work shirker" or "lazy" or "not committed". 

5) Plan and Care: One basic thing that every manager tends to forget is the actual planning that is the reason they are paid the money they are. And by planning , I dont mean piling junk up in an excel sheet and adding a date to the final column. Cause putting random dates on random events are why Mayans are such shit future predictors. So don't be. Instead use your experience of interpreting bull shit when it is spoken and give the employee a couple of extra days to complete his task if such an instance is picked up by you. Also dont assign tasks as if this is your help at house. You can not say "Get me one kilo sugar . I will make kheer" at 6:00 pm and follow that up at 7:00 pm by "Get me Milk and Chocolate. I will prepare Ice Cream. Also throw this sugar in the nearest dust bin". Because, first , you dont pay him. It is a company. A central figure who pays you too. Rather alarmingly more also. And second more often than not he loved the Sugar. And you absolute disregard for this will make him get bad milk and way past expiry chocolates. Because he has already started to believe you don't care. And hence plan and care.

So thats that. I am pretty sure , most of you who would read this , would understand how much I love my managers (SARCASM, for those of you who have a Sheldon problem). And also how much I would want some of them to follow these 5-point therapy session , so that people can stop hating them so much. Perhaps even think that they are an essential cog in the machinery. Oh well, now that is just wishful thinking, i know.