Disclaimer: All of this is fictitious and does not bear resemblance to any wedding that the writer has attended in his life time. The writer confesses than some of these events may have happened at some of the wedding event he has attended or has heard about in his lifetime. However any resemblance to any character or event should still be treated as a by product of the over active imagination of the writer. And treating thus as same only, can make this a enjoyable read. So indulge yourself.
I am sure everyone has see enough Hindi movies and/or been to enough weddings in their lifetimes to have a general sense of what Indian weddings receptions are all about. Here is a slightly over the top version of that.
The first things that hits you when you enter a wedding in the Over courteous host. I mean for all his life he would have started a conversation with you with the trademark , Behen-daud and Maa ki Ghodi , but cometh the day , cometh the "I am so happy you came." and the over the tops hugs. I mean at some time during the whole hug ceremony , where the host would go around hugging everyone that entered with you, you get a slight omen of things to come. But like life , you know you have to soldier on.
The second most obvious things that happens is no matter how big your group is , there is always that one person who failed to turn up. And the HOST would always turn to that Topic. Wouldn't matter if you turned up with Sachin Tendulkar at the wedding, the only thing that the host would say is " Couldn't Rabi make it? How sad. It would have been nice if he would have come" .All you intend to reply to that is " Fuck you , man. I drove like twenty kms just so that you can man hug be and break two rib bones of mine. I forked out a thousand bucks so that your sister ( the bride) could have a nice gift. And all you care for is that one guy who is back home , lazing around with a beer in his hand and his girl friend on his lap? Fuck You." And you end up saying is "Yeah, sad."
Speaking of gifts. Who has not heard that legendary quote. "You did not have to bring a gift. That is so nice of you". And at that precise moment your mind is trying to put the words "I did not have to bring a gift? Could you not have mentioned that in the Wedding Card? I mean i took out the money out of my secret stash kept away for the Next iPad release. " into the mouth. All your tongue could feebly mouth out of those feelings are " Are nahi. "
The worst things about gifts are not the money they cost, or the effort you put into choosing them , although they are bitches of the worst demeanor. It is the actual handing of the gift to the Bride or the Groom. I mean here is someone who you have not spoken to in your life. And dont intend to speak for the rest of your life. But for that day, those few minutes , he is your friend , philosopher and guide. You stand there awkwardly trying to hand over the gift and skip all the sacrilegious glances of the people who have got gift of much larger sizes. And all the bride and/or the groom wants to do is teach you what life is. And how to live it. And how he was lucky in love. At one point you just want to stamp on his leg and break the gift over his head. But patience as we all know is the key.
If you are lucky if it just a friends wedding, or a friend's brother's of sister's wedding. All hell would break break loose if you are actually one of the relatives. Here you are trying to mind your own way and trying to draw as less attention to yourself as you can.But who are you kidding. I swear some of these old people of the family can't find newspaper if it under their eyes. But they can spot you from one mile away if you are at a wedding.Invariably you end up deciding whether you would touch their feets or just a namaste would do. You settle for a slightly bowed namaste. And the questions that follow. Sheesh. I would rather stand better chance of clearing the IIT exams with a shortened time limit."You have become so thin. Don't you eat"(Yeah right. For a road roller you mean. And no i dont eat. That is something i regard as a waste of time). "Beta, when are you getting married? You have reached that age. Don't we deserve to see a "bahu" in our house before we depart from this world. (If only i could kill myself now.) "Have you selected a girl. Is she Brahmin? (I dont even know who you are. And for my views on marriage and casteism please refer to my FB page and twitter handle).
And when you have braved your way through all that, knowing that there is always light at the end of the tunnel( read Food), you would have seldom expected that they take the light at the end of the tunnel so literally. That camera guy who roams round the room with some halogen lights in his hands, trying to catch you at your most heavenly moment with the food, when you are oblivious to the suffering all around and tearing apart that piece of chicken with obvious disdain. Yeah him. Well fuck him. If i i had shotgun in my hands at those times. If only.
The food in itself is a bit a journey. I mean you invariably end up select the worst dishes to eat. On your way back , people all around you are telling you about that great Mushroom dish or that amazing Fish curry. And all you could stuff down was overcooked pieces of Chicken and undercooked Basmati.
And as with most Bad Indian things , they save the worst for the last. That Photo session. With the over jealous host and the trying to be brave groom and the pretending to not know a thing bride. That drives a hole through anyone's heart. And everyone in the group wants a picture to be taken from their Digicam. So after fifteen minutes of all the melodrama, you are finally ready to leave.
And your nursing your broken ribs. The host promptly sees your discomfort and adds a big bear hug for all good measures. "Thank You, for coming. This would not have been so not good , if you had not come." As if. Save those words for the Groom , Mother-ducker.
And thus is celebrated an Indian wedding. With all its pomp and bravado. And a bit of Deadening of Living Cells.
